People Pleasing

These are my thoughts recently...I am not sure why I am thinking these things, but I am.

So I leave/"take a break" from teaching to go to culinary school. Culinary school was hard work and yet fun at the same time. Not knowing anything about cooking I was trying to soak in everything I could and I probably asked about a million questions. I was just curious and really wanted to learn.

For 2 out of my 3 cooking classes I had this amazing chef as my instructor!! He had a tremendous passion for the field and was incredibly talented. This chef really took me under his wing and taught me so many things. Like: Telling me to stop moving my ass when I mixed something together in a bowl, "Gina, it is all in the wrist, not in the whole body". One day I really wanted to learn how to flip things in a pan and so he started explaining and the way I flipped it was completely backwards which he had never seen anyone do before. He knew that I was a piece of work and needed a lot of instruction!!!!! Yet he was well aware that I was so eager to gain knowledge he didn't give up on me. He knew that I really respected him as well.

I remember some of my friends and I going to the restaurant that he was an executive chef at (he only taught part time), having dessert, and being amazed at how classy this place was. He gave all of us a tour, it was fun. I even came back and helped him at the restaurant one time at Christmas because he was swamped. He always was so willing to help me and see me succeed and I really appreciated that.

Towards the end of one of my last classes with him he pulled me aside and we chatted about the future. He shared all these great things about me and my work ethic and proceeded to tell me that he would love if I would come work for him. I was jumping for joy, it was like a dream come true. I would be working under this talented chef at a four diamond restaurant. I was so excited!!!! (and really nervous too, I was an amateur, I didn't know what I was doing, but he said he would teach me)

So I began to work for him. It was great. I learned so much more in the first month or so than I did in my first year of culinary school. I started at the bottom of the kitchen staff and within a few months I worked my way up to what we call lead line cook. There were three chefs above me, but basically I was in charge of the kitchen and what was going on. I could not believe the progress that I had made and just the knowledge that I had gained and felt like I still had a long way to go.

After being there 9 months, I felt like I was having fun but the restaurant world was just not a good fit for me. Since leaving, 4 months ago, I do not know where to go. I feel no calling and sense no direction in anyway. So I am just content waiting and in the mean time I am babysitting, subbing, cupcaking...yah know whatever I need to do to make it. The stumping question that I am struggling with is, what would my chef think of what I am doing now?

The thoughts running through my head, "so you went to culinary school to babysit"...? I keep going back and forth, because yes, I know it doesn't matter what he thinks, but I feel like he spent so much time on me and "took a chance" that I feel like he'd be disappointed in what I am doing. But then again who cares, but yet I do. It is a frustrating cycle.